Am I enough for God?
Growing up, my dad and I had a complex relationship and in many ways we still do. He would tell me ‘home truths’ and I would often let them sink into me, processing them again and again. I would often wonder how our relationship would be if I was the child he had dreamt I would be - the child who never struggled with their weight but instead the child who never carried that burden.
For years, I would say mainly in my adolescence - I did believe that I was never enough for my father. I was too loud, too talkative, too opinionated, too fat… Putting all those things together, I believed it made me less than enough to be his daughter. Sometimes, I would be thankful that I never had a skinner sister because maybe my story would have been even harder.
The truth is though, I wanted to be enough for my dad.
I wanted to be the daughter he could be proud of, one who he wanted to display to the whole world and one who wasn’t just gorgeous in baby photos.
I believe the father/daughter relationship, is one that is so convoluted. I know many of you will have beautiful stories regarding your fathers and know that I delight in your joy. For the girl whose relationship with theirs is likewise complex, know that I share your truth.
The hardest thing I’ve had to do in my christian journey, in my walk with God is remove my human lens because one of the hardest things for me was recognising God the Father. God as my Father. God being a Father to me. Why? Because it was hard feeling as though I would never be able to be enough for God as I also believed I wasn’t enough for my earthly father.
I felt that God was like my earthly father and therefore I struggled with whether or not, I’d ever be enough for God.
Then, in God’s perfect timing, I was greeted by Psalm 139; one of my all time favourite psalms. It states:
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” - Psalm 139:13-16 ESV
This scripture verse helped me to understand, that not only was I enough for God, but I am wonderfully made.
Essentially, I realised, that I wasn’t too loud, too talkative, too opinionated or too fat for God. I was just right. For when God knit me together, He already knew exactly who I would be. He knew the process, He knew the journey and He knew my days. He knows me as Nikkita and loves me the same.
Friend, I don’t know where you are on the journey but I can tell you what I do know. I know who your perfect Heavenly Father is. Who our Heavenly Father is and I know that He loves us. He runs towards us, meeting us in our pain, in our anguish, in our thoughts of not being enough for Him, and like one of my favourite worship songs states, “He thought you was to die for.” (Worth by Anthony Brown and Group Therapy - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX59fjowutw)
I know the journey takes time, but friend today I pray that we can all be reminded that we are enough for God. In fact, we should remember that He believed we were to die for and did so. Our perfect heavenly Father, looks upon every. single. one. of us and delights in His workmanship. He delights because what God creates is perfect because He is perfect. He made no mistakes and He is not about too. So friend, I want to encourage you, I want to support you and most of all I want to pray over you and with you through this season, if this is where you are.
Writing this was difficult and as I cried, God opened my heart to understand more of why my word for this year ‘worthy’ is taking place. Being transparent often means leaving your heart on a page, the relationship I have with my father is one that I continue to seek guidance from God about, but it is not however one I seek to find myself in. For I am not found in my earthly father, but in my eternal Father. If you need to talk, please don’t be afraid to reach out.
I am always encouraged by my community and those who surrounded me through this journey. Shall we pray?
Heavenly Father, thank you for reminding us that we are enough for you. Help us, as we journey through the pain we feel of not being enough for our earthly fathers, or being enough for our jobs or the friends around us, whatever it may be Lord - you are aware. Remind us to fix our eyes on you, help us to find ourselves and look upon ourselves the way you do. We thank you for loving us and for believing that we are to die for. In Jesus’ name, amen.